a long way gone

I just finishined reading a long way gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishmael Beah. Beah is from Sierra Leone. I picked it up as a reminder of the emotional reality while writing my article for The Lens, to ensure that I didn't get too tied up in dry politics and facts. The memoir is certainly more heart-wrenching than my article ever could be - it represents an extreme I was not willing or able to write about.

Beah ends the book with a story/riddle he remembers being told frequently as a child. A hunter goes into the woods and is about to kill a monkey when the monkey turns to him and says, if you kill me your mother will die, if you don't kill me your father will die. The children, listening to this story in the presence of both their parents, are asked, what would you do? The children would never answer, but Beah tells us what he never told anyone as a child:

When I was seven I had an answer to this question that made sense to me. I never discussed it with anyone, though, for fear of how my mother would feel. I concluded to myself that if I were the hunter, I would shoot the monkey so that it would no longer have the chance to put other hunters in the same predicament.

The end. I cry. Best book ending ever. What a miserable world we live in.

He's right, of course, as far as I can tell. Beah's willing to take one for the team, but on another level its much bigger than all that. Although it's doubtful that anyone will ever come across a monkey that puts them in that predicament, this folktale accurately depicts the essence of the world. Beah joined the army for food, for security. And he's still probably paying the price of surviving. From a more anthropological perspective, I think it's significant that to kill the monkey is to kill the mother. Removing the monkey from existence removes the source of moral dilemma, of suffering; but to do so also removes the source of life. No more monkey, no more mother. No more mother, no more birth. The end of war, the end of hate, the end of violence - the end of the world. And anyway, who's to say that there won't be anymore monkeys like that?

We who believe in freedom cannot rest

So said Ella Baker. So sang Sweet Honey in the Rock.

But then, we can never rest.

Until the killing of black men, black mothers' sons
Is as important as the killing of white men, white mothers' sons

Even if this day ever came, we still couldn't rest. Because someone, somewhere (actually, many people, many places) will always be denied freedom and justice. For every good deed done by one person, an evil deed is done by another. We may be striving, above all, for balance, so that the bad cannot outweigh the good. But in the end, we must conclude that the badness, the evil, the cruelty, they persist, and always will account for at least as much of the world as goodness and kindness and generosity. Love and hate are intrinsically connected. Self-preservation drives both the oppressor and the liberator.

And yet...we go on. We can acknowledge that evil (though I hesitate to use that word given its Christian connotations) will continue to exist no matter how hard we try to fight it, while still refusing to let it win. The problem comes when we recognize that our fight creates new evil as it destroys old evil. But if we give up, what's the point of anything. I think Phil Ochs said it best:

Can't live proud enough to die when I'm gone
So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here

"[Ariel] educated the refugees on important issues"

Last week I was interviewed by someone from the Carletonian who was writing an article on fellowships. While I appreciated the opportunity to talk about my experience, I have issues with this one sentence published in the article. To start off with, "important issues"? Did the Carletonian actually publish such imprecise language? I expect more from the writing of Carleton students.

But beyond finding the language choice to be extremely poor, I find the statement to be false. Certainly, my friends who worked at the mothers' center and the school, at the very least, taught the refugees "important stuff." I, on the other hand, wasn't there to teach or educate. I was only there to learn. If I tried to educate anyone on important issues, it was the Ghana Refugee Board and the UNHCR, not the refugees. The refugees were the ones who educated ME on important issues, not the other way around, despite what the Carletonian may say.

Despite my criticisms of the article, I did appreciate my one direct quote published:
"There were amazing moments, and at times, it was miserable. It was trying, both emotionally and physically, but it was all incredibly rewarding. All of it."

remember me

The distance, in space, in time, feels greater than it is. And yet, my watch is still on Ghana time, 4 hours fast, and I no longer have the excuse that keeping it that way will help me remember to take my malaria pills. But why bother changing it anyway? I bought the watch in Ghana; let it remain Ghanaian at least a while longer. That way I can never forget.

Before we left, many people asked me, and all the other departing volunteers, not to forget them. As if that were possible. But I started to think that maybe “forget,” like every other word, means something different to them than it does to us. To me, “forget” means “to not remember, to no longer have memory of.” But for them, I think, “forget” means “to not think on or about.” The “correct” discourse these days on reconciliation is that you cannot forgive and forget, you must forgive but remember, but that’s based on a particular western connotation of “forget.” For Africa, though, maybe it is possible to forgive and forget, to forgive and not dwell on. The past must certainly be remembered: the good things embraced and passed on, the bad things learned from. But little good can be done by dwelling on the particulars of who committed what atrocity against whom. Of course, that is largely what the Truth and Reconciliation Commission aims to do, for heaven forbid the Liberians forgive and forget. Discourse is everything — meaning, nothing. But the TRC has its place and time will tell what good it can do for Liberia – but before it can really do anything it needs to do a better job informing the people of what it is and what it’s doing and why and how that matters. Because there are perpetrators who want to apologize and be forgiven, and there are victims who want to be apologized to so that they can forgive but right now that’s not really happening in any ordered manner.

Enough about what others forget or remember. What do I do, now that I have left? How do I remember? And how can I let the Liberians know that I remember – and not just that I have memories of them stored away inside me, but that I think about them? I have plenty of email addresses (and plenty of them have mine) but there are challenges to keeping in touch. Any maintained relationship, if it’s kept up for more than a couple weeks (which I find doubtful, based partly on my own inability to expediently respond to emails), will undoubtedly become more than I was looking for, with confessions of love and requests for financial support in times of trouble. I can’t continue to deal with the BS that was driving me crazy after 6 weeks. And yet I can’t just leave them there. I can escape, I can forget. I can act like my time in Africa was just a little trip into other people’s lives, and I can just leave with my pictures and memories, as though the people I met and talked to and befriended and cared about were no different from elephants I might have seen had I traveled to northern Ghana. (So much for “Humanizing Refugees.”) I can’t just take what I want from Africa, the lessons, the friends, the experiences, the burdens, without giving back in return. When I was there, I gave, or at least I tried. But even now I’m still benefiting from Africa, yet who knows if Africa is still benefiting from me? (It should be. I told Meredith to finish up my unfinished business. But what about the people, what about the relationships? Those are mine and mine alone, and who am I to desert them?) I’m morally confused right now, because I don’t know that love is any better than hate for this world, but it still seems that to do something is better than to do nothing (though better is a misleading word). It may be for good, it may be for bad, in all likelihood it will be a combination of both – but I cannot disconnect.

Onward and upward, onward and upward
More adventures await, if you (and I) know where to look

phase II and the beginning of the end

In response to tension and confusion on camp regarding the end of voluntary repatriation and the role of the UNHCR on camp, at the advice of the international volunteers, PCO changed the Peace Cell discussion topic for the first half of July from economic growth to the future of refugees at Buduburam. To avoid any accusations of getting political, we informed the UNHCR and the Ghana Refugee Board of what we were doing, and intentionally avoided any mention of either body in our new questions. The questions we asked were, 1) What are your feelings regarding repatriation?, 2) What challenges do you expect to encounter in integrating into the Ghanaian community?, and 3) What can the community do to assist each other at this transitional time? For the first question, discussion focused on the traumas experienced in Liberia, the ongoing problems there, and the desire for resettlement. Most refugees, it seems, despite the fact that they have, formally or informally, learned a great deal in Ghana, claim they want to be resettled in a third, Western, country, if only for a few years, so they can learn a skill they can use to help rebuild Liberia. The second question revealed the degree of tension between Liberians and Ghanaians, much of which is normally not discussed. But there was one Liberian boy murdered a few years ago between camp and the nearby village where I live, and his death is now used as an example as how unfriendly and unwelcoming Ghanaians can be. Interestingly, the attitude of Liberians in Zone 12, who rent their homes from Ghanaians and who have Ghanaian neighbors, is much more positive towards integration - they have a much better opinion of Ghanaians in general, and accept that they must change some to integrate, but that it is certainly a viable option. While questions 1 and 2 were written as ways for PCO to collect information on the opinions of the refugees on camp, question 3 was primarily for the sake of the community members themselves, to think about what they could be doing for themselves, for each other. Unfortunately, a lot of the answers were about what the UNHCR, what the white volunteers, what the western world, et cetera should do for them. As volunteers we started to get defensive, and after hearing meeting after meeting of the same answers we were getting quite tired of our topic. We finally finished meeting with every zone last Wednesday, and have moved on to economic growth. Now, however, we are summarizing the meeting minutes and on Wednesday Kyle, another volunteer, and I will be going into Accra, finding an air-conditioned coffeeshop, and writing a report for the UNHCR and the Ghana Refugee Board tellin them, this is what people on the ground think. Whether the information will be of any use to them, whether they will take it into consideration, who knows? But at least we are doing our part to get their voices heard. Early next week, Tuesday I think, we're trying to get an appointment with the UNHCR and the Ghana Refugee Board to present our report. Wednesday evening I board a plane and head back across the pond.

perspective

I never before thought that helping a friend deal with a broken heart could make me feel so good. But today for me it signified business as usual, trauma I have at least some experience dealing with. It was a moment of humanity, universal humanity, a moment that has put the past week in much needed persective.

Thursday afternoon I was confronted with a confession of horrific crimes and was shown things I would never have believed possible. I've been grappling with the things I saw and heard ever since, because, not to sound melodramatic, I can never look at the world the same way again. Today I realized that for better or worse, human pain and love are much the same, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you've done. It may very well be impossible to take away a person's humanity. Perhaps temporarily, but not in the long run. Even a refugee, even an ex-combatant, even an international volunteer - we are all, and always will be, human. But at the same time, we must humanize ourselves, the only person you can truly, ultimately depend upon is yourself.

Maybe this doesn't make any sense because it is certainly vague. But what I've learned, among other things, is that trauma is relative: pretty much everyone here has experienced significant trauma, and yet they experience love and hate, empowerment and frustration, much as anyone else. A broken heart is a broken heart, whether it belongs to a spoiled and protected white person in America or a traumatized black person in Africa. And what that also means is that even when the world is falling apart, when people are starving and sick with malaria and trying to succeed with business and deal with their traumatized pasts and afraid to sleep in their own homes and every other problem you can imagine, people still fall in love, people still get worked up emotionally about boyfriends and girlfriends, there's even space in the mind to think about stupid little crushes. Even in the most extreme of conditions, some things in life go on as normal. And that, that is comforting.

debt repaid

This weekend I returned to Kokrobite, where I spent my first weekend in Ghana. I wasn't too excited about going back because I associate it with feelings of culture shock and confusion and not knowing what my place was in all this. However, pretty much all the PCO volunteers were going there this weekend to have a final goodbye party for some of the volunteers and I didn't get a chance to make more ambitious plans because Thursday afternoon I ended up caught in the most heart-wrenching, gut-churning conversation of my life.

It was good, and necessary, to get away. I enjoyed relaxing on the beach and just hanging out and talking with my friends. They sell a lot of good tourist knick-knacks and clothing and I didn't end up buying as much as I had hoped to but I found some nice stuff and I enjoyed looking at everything. I didn't go swimming but I lay on the beach for a while, reading and writing. Kokrobite is a strange place, filled with rastas and white volunteers who are escaping for a weekend. I feel kind of guilty being there, because it's such an escapist kind of place, such a backpackers' beach resort haven, but at the same time, we don't escape, we mostly talked about camp and Liberians and volunteering and all the issues we deal with on a daily basis but don't really have time to talk about. Guy, a former PCO volunteer now anthropologist, is always interesting to talk to because he knows quite a lot about camp and yet is always learning things from us as well.

What made this weekend excursion feel complete for me was this:
We were walking back to our hotel in the dark with our flashlights. On the path a man stopped us and asked if I could shine my light on my foot. It appeared he had cut his toe on a rock while walking. I still had my purse with me then, and in it Band-Aids. So I shone my light on him and gave him some band-aids. Last time I was at Kokrobite, I cut my foot and some boys helped me. This time, I had an opportunity to do the same for others. I was, for once, able to return a favor, and help someone out in a simple, yet meaningful, way.

there are no cats in america

The myth that the streets are paved with gold in America still persists. Kyle and I were talking to a Liberian friend on Friday who genuinely told us he thought that the average person in America can earn $1000/day. People here know only of the rich celebrities of America, besides the international volunteers whom everyone assumes have money to give, and so believe that most people in America live the way the rich and famous do. They don't realize that a few miles from a celebrity's mansion are starving, homeless people, that most of the wealth in America is held only by a few. America remains the land of opportunity, of wealth and freedom. They think that if they can get there, they can get a job automatically - though Guy did point out that they usually can get jobs pretty easily because they are willing to take the badly paying McDonalds jobs and high paying construction/manual labor jobs that a lot of educated Americans/Australians/Canadians don't want. Still, $1000/day, it's hard to imagine.

Even the Cape Coast Castle museum, which followed the slaves' journey to America and then focused on the diaspora in the United States left a pretty simplistic and positive portrayal of the United States. There was about one sentence on the Civil Rights Movement, the glorification of a couple African-American leaders and performers, and no recognition of the fact that there are still a lot of problems to be addressed.

the times they are a-changin'

and I'm trying to figure out just how.

June 30 marked the official closing of voluntary repatriation to Liberia, worldwide. The UN is marking this significant closure as a success. However, while Liberia may be much safer than Somalia or Sudan, and thus many more refugees have returned, the fact remains that between 23,000 and 34,000 refugees remain at Buduburam. Many don't want to go home, and that is why they did not take advantage of voluntary repatriation. They would like to integrate into the Ghanaian community, or get resettled somewhere like America or Norway or Australia. The chances of resettlement are slim but many refugees still hold out. There is also, however, a significant portion of the population that would like to return home to Liberia - but not yet. They do not think it is safe, for the present peace is fragile. The current government has not brought about all the improvements it promised and has been accused, like every Liberian government before it, of corruption. People are getting angry and antsy, in Liberia and even at Buduburam. Another reason people don't want to return home yet is that the people who have hurt them, who killed family members in front of them, are still in Liberia, not brought to justice and often in positions of power. Prince Johnson, a rebel leader who killed many innocent Liberians, is a Senator. And so thousands of Liberians remain in Ghana, in a perpetual state of limbo.

There were many concerns about what might happen after June 30. In the international volunteer community the fear was that the UNHCR would pull out completely. This has not happened, and will not until around 2009. The limited UNHCR services will remain available, except for voluntary repatriation. The UNHCR claims it will be moving its focus to Liberia, and that its presence here will focus primarily on establishing long-term plans for integration. As Ghana has gotten tired of playing host (though from what I hear about the Geneva convention or some tripartite agreement or something, legally cannot kick the Liberians out), the UNHCR's role in faciliating integration will be significant. The head of the UNHCR was in Accra on Monday, largely because of the African Union conference, but he spoke to Liberian refugee delegates. He told them that voluntary repatriation was over but the refugee contigency appealed for it to be extended for the rest of the year or at least two months. The UNHCR has yet to respond to that appeal, though the leader of the women planned to get many people to register for repatration in the hopes that if enough people did so in the next two months, the UNHCR would help them return. This two months thing caused some rumors on campus, with people believing that after August 31, the camp may be closed and everyone not registered for either repatriation, integration, or resettlement becoming illegal and ending up in jail. There was a rumor that Nigeria gave all the Liberians there 24 hours to get out. The two-month extension was passed around as fact, and it wasn't until going to the Liberian Refugee Welfare Council and reading an article pasted outside that I learned that it was only a wish, an appeal.

So piece by piece we're putting together the situation. Tomorrow there's a press conference/meeting with Mr. Sambola, head of the welfare council, to clear things up. In the mean time, PCO is doing what it can to diffuse tension in the community and provide a forum to discuss their concerns.

bend it like essien

One of the football (soccer) players for the Chelsea team, Michael Essien, is from Awutu. Yesterday I got to play football with his younger brother and some other local boys.

The walk from the tro-tro station in Awutu to the guesthouse passes by a school with a large football field. It's quite picturesque, especially since on the other side of the field are some massive and beautiful trees. Yesterday when I walked by a bunch of boys were playing football. The ball rolled into the road in front of me and so I kicked it back to them. They returned it to me and I kicked it back. This back-and-forth only happened for about a minute but it was so much fun to be playing football with the Awutu boys. A man walking by with a baby, both of whom I almost hit in the head with the football, told me to change into gym clothes and come back. So I stopped in at the house, told Kyle and Linden what happened, and the three of us headed back to the school, accompanied by Stephen, our housekeeper, and a frisbee. While Kyle and Stephen started tossing the frisbee around, attracting some of the boys, Linden and I ran after the football. At first we just tried to get the ball from whoever had it, but eventually we realized they had been playing a game with rules, a soccer version of Monkey-in-the-middle, and so we started playing that. Eventually we got into conversation with them, which is how we learned about their local soccer star. We spent a while trying just to learn names. A boy with two large machetes came by, so Linden and I asked if they could teach us to cut the grass the way they do, with machetes. They said we wouldn't be able to, because our hands are too soft, but they showed us how and let us try anyway. We failed miserably, but it was fun to try anyway. Things got a bit uncomfortable when they briefly asked us for food and CDs and clothes. They really liked my gym shorts, for whatever reason. They quickly forgot about their demands, luckily, and started asking us some really hard questions. Such as, what do you think when you see a person with a dark complexion? I said I feel self-conscience, because my light skin makes me stand out a lot here. Linden added that we always try to make ourselves look darker but it doesn't work. They then asked us, where do twins come from, and an even more awkward question, Why does someone get pregnant? I'm not sure where all their questions came from or if they understood my answers but they were fun to talk to and to play ball with. We're probably going back this afternoon to play with them again.

independence and protection on the river volta

Now that I've been in Ghana for over a week, I finally felt like I earned my weekend. Jeong, Linden, Josie and I headed northeast of Accra to Atimpoku, just south of Akosombo where the dam that created Lake Volta and provides all the energy for the region is. The river itself is quite wide and calm. We rented a canoe for an hour or so from one of the waterside hotels and paddled around, enjoying the beautiful valley and the nicest weather I've experienced so far in Ghana. We were accompanied by Georgie, a former child soldier whom Jeong is pretty good friends with. There were certainly many benefits of having Georgie with us. He understands some Twi, one of the most popular languages in Ghana, which helped with communication. He was able to explain to us many of the food dishes that we were unfamiliar with. When we first got on the bus to Akosombo in Accra, hot and tired, he bought us all oranges and taught us the local way to eat them. He is also a strong canoer, which allowed the rest of us more time to relax on the river. Perhaps the greatest benefit of his presence, however, was that it saved us four white girls from a good amount of the comments we regularly receive from young African men. That alone made me feel a lot safer walking around.

But his presence also had its downsides. He is very charming and gentlemanly but it became too much after a while. He looked out for us and tried to help us a bit too much, thinking that as an African who has been in this country much longer than any of us and as a man, he knew better, he could and should lead us. Truth is, however, he wasn't very good at haggling and often ended up making communication with Ghanaians, who he did not trust, confrontational when such a response was unnecessary. And considering that to be a woman volunteering here you have to be strong and independent, we found him to be a bit smothering and chauvanistic. But then again, based on previous discussions we had had with him, we already knew he had a pretty twisted view on women, but that's a problem with this culture that will take more than the laws that make spousal abuse illegal to change. What I, at least, did get out of his somewhat overbearing presence was the sense that I don't need a guy to safely travel somewhere in Ghana, which is liberating to feel. I wouldn't feel safe traveling more than the distance between camp and Awutu, maybe Awutu and Accra, alone, but I don't need to have a man among my fellow travelers. It's a convenient feeling, considering only one of the other volunteers right now is male. However, we might be getting some more volunteers at the end of the week, which would be great.

Today Linden, Kyle, and I led a workshop for the Peace Cell leaders. I felt kind of awkward, telling them how things should work when I haven't even worked a full week here myself. Although not everyone showed up and most of those who did were late, the workshop went surprisingly well. I think our approach to how to run a workshop, at least the first day, was new and creative and actually worked. We simulated a peace cell meeting, changing the faciliation style a bit, and put the leaders as participants. As a peace cell meeting it went very well and the discussion we had in the second part of the workshop, about what they thought of the meeting, was very constructive. The three of us, at least, remain idealistic about peace cells, despite the cynicism voiced by volunteers who have been here longer and thus are more burnt out and bitter. The workshop will continue Tuesday and Wednesday with a more traditional lecture format, but we're going to try to break it up with some activities to actualize the concepts we'll be discussing. Although there are records kept of past workshops by international volunteers, those records are in a pile somewhere so we can only hope that what we teach is not too redundant of what has been done before.

people i meet, or machete stories and political rants

Most of mobilizing for peace cell meetings involves telling people what's happening and them nodding and saying they might come. However, about once a day so far, someone will respond to us with their own story. Tuesday in Zone 10 (the camp is divided into 12 zones and each day we have a peace cell forum in a different zone) when Michael, the peace cell leader, was explaining the purpose of the meeting to discuss ethnic tensions and how to rebuild trust between tribal groups this old woman interjected. She was a big old woman, with gray hair, a scar running across her face, and a very swollen knee. "Do you really think love will bring an end to the fighting?" she asked. "The problem is really, more than anything, poverty," she continued, and started crying. She pointed to her scars, her knee, her hair. She is in huge need of food and medical treatment, neither of which she can afford. So if someone gave her the money she needed, she would do anything he said, even kill her own brother. Michael said, "If I trusted you, if I loved you, even though you are from a different tribe, I would give you money when you needed it." But honestly, no one here, no matter how much love they have, can afford to help all the people who need it.

Yesterday we were in Zone 11. We were talking to this woman about the need to build peace and trust "for when we go back to Liberia." "I can't go back to Liberia," she said, showing us the machete scars all over her body. "The man who did this to me is still there." She has photos of herself bandaged up as well as the medical report from the hospital. The man, who attacked her over something as simple as borrowing a cell phone, from what I could understand of her story, chased her to the hospital but once she was treated she managed to escape to Guinea and then to Buduburam. The man managed to find her in Buduburam, attacking her again and leaving a threat letter at her house, saying that if she did not surrender the pictures and medical report he would kill her and her family. If she survived he would chase her until he killed her. She went to the local police with the letter and the man when back to Liberia. She showed us the photos, the medical report, the letter, and the police report. She is never alone at her house, always with either her husband or brother, and she is afraid to sleep there. They sleep in the house at night, while she sleeps somewhere outside, feeling safer there than in her house where she may be found by the man. Back in Liberia, this man is a police officer.

Today (at least so far) had no horror stories. However, we ended up spending at least a half hour talking to one man. A teacher in Texas, he came here looking for his daughter and is waiting to clear some things up with his papers. As a former student activist and then politician in Liberia, he had his own opinion to share with us. "Tribalism is not the problem," he said. "The minority Americo-Liberians holding the power is what is wrong. Tribalism may be the effect/symptom of all that, but you cannot solve the problem by just addressing the symptoms. You will still be sick. You must address the root, which is the Americo-Liberian power stronghold, which has been re-established in Liberia in Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf's government." Rather than just listening this time (especially since I knew he could actually understand me), I got into a bit of a discussion, pointing out that the symptoms in and of themselves are killing people and must be addressed. Plus this is just one of the many issues we talk about. The true source of the problem may not be tribalism, but that does not mean it is not a worthwhile discussion, especially considering even he could not propose a solution to the root problem he identified. Still, I think he was completely right that the issue of Americo-Liberian power should not just be swept under the carpet as it is but addressed and changed. He then started explaining things more in detail to Michael, who was learning a lot, but at another point I would like to discuss with him the institutional problems that will not and did not change with indigenous Liberians in power, especially considering the degree to which he glorified the Doe regime. He may be right about the all good things Doe did to improve the country and empower the ordinary people, but that does not change other atrocities and violence that happened under him.

So far it's been a pretty interesting week. Now that I'm not sick I'm enjoying everything a lot more. I'm starting to build relationships, on camp and with my fellow volunteers. This weekend I'm going to Akosombo on Lake Volta with some other volunteers. I don't really know anything about it but it should be interesting and pretty. But before that I've got some more mobilizing and a peace cell meeting to attend.

P.S. Leave comments! I like to see who's reading and hear what you have to say!

World Refugee Day

For those of you who didn't know, yesterday was World Refugee Day, a day of celebration and solidarity started by the UN in order to bring attention to the plight of refugees. It's especially interesting to see observed in a refugee camp. The theme of the day was "Humanizing Refugees," a phrase apparently coined by Bill Gates. The theme may make sense from an international perspective but inside the camp is rather problematic, or at least all the white NGO volunteers seemed to think so. The day's celebrations included a parade of all the school children in the morning, an indoor program of speeches, songs, and skits in the afternoon, and afterword sports games outside. I attended the indoor program and was very glad I was there to see it all. There were A LOT of political tensions in the air, especially between the refugees and the representatives of the UNHCR and the Ghana Refugee Board. The Ghanaian, in his speech, tried very hard to make Ghana's role as host look good, emphasizing that they have limitations but are doing all they can. He STRONGRLY encouraged repatriation as soon as possible (by the June 30, 2007 UN voluntary repatriation deadline); in other words, "go home." The Liberians, for their part, were not afraid to be critical of the UNHCR or Ghana. They said, explicitly, that they did not really feel like they were being humanized and that the June 30th date was not at all reasonable or realistic. However, the highlight of the program came before any of these speeches. One of the skits was by a children's group. It was about Mr. & Mrs. Liberia and their 17 children, each representing a different tribe. A stranger, "War," came to visit the family and all the children starting fighting with each other. Their parents were trying to get them to make up. One kid said, "So we are supposed to forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones?" And Mr. Liberia said "No. You must remember the past so that you can learn from the mistakes that you have made. You cannot go back to the way things were before, but must recognize and take responsibility for your mistakes so that we can live peacefully together in the future." Etc. Now, it may just be rhetoric, like much on camp is, but it's the first time I've heard rhetoric I've agreed with completely. And everyone in the audience loved them. It was just really inspiring and gave me more hope than I've had since I've been here.

band-aids for bleeding hearts

I've been here for three intense days. By intense I mean I spent Friday and Saturday at a tropical beach resort, swimming in the warm ocean water, getting some sun, and enjoying a real shower before I've even gotten tired of bucket showers. But even that wasn't all fun and games. When swimming I cut open my foot on a rock. Luckily I had brought a few band-aids and some of the Ghanaian boys on the beach helped me clean it up and bandage it. I've been keeping it clean and I should be fine. The culture shock and the poverty and problems around me are much harder to heal. A lot of the other volunteers who have been here for a while have gotten disillusioned. But they are still finding meaningful work to do. But I need to get used to saying no to adorable little children begging for food or money. And I need to realize I can't fix everything but I can make a difference. I hope.

I arrived safely Thursday night, and met most of my fellow volunteers. Friday was orientation day at the camp for me and Kyle, the other volunteer who just arrived. We had a very formal overview of PCO (pronouced Pee-Co) and its different projects. Then we had a tour of the school and the mother's center. It was a lot to take in. I was excited to have a little girl run up to me and grab my hand, to make a little friend, but it has since happened more times than I can count. Everything, it seems, becomes mundane. The poverty, the kids, the bucket showers, drinking water from a plastic bag. The living conditions I'm having the easiest time adjusting to, actually, for I have plenty of experience with bucket-flushing and living surrounded by bugs. There are also chameleons everywhere. And chickens. I've never seen so many chickens in my life.

After our tour and lunch, Kyle and I had program orientations. We both spoke with the Peace Cells leader and I spoke to the Tribal Leaders Forum coordinator. I'll work with them both tomorrow and see what I think. They both involve a lot of mobilization work, which should be interesting. After the visit to the camp and meeting the rest of the volunteers, we went to the beach, as I said before. Today we're in Accra. We're going to the expat grocery and an expat restaurant. Then Monday, work begins...

in transit

I've got 4 minutes to update from the Milan airport. For such a world hub - flights going to North America, South America, Africa, Europe, and Asia - it's rather small. I've still got 5 hours to kill. Not enough time to go to town, if I knew how to get out of here, but long enough to make me really really bored. Which I already am. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep, as I got very little on the flight here. My seat did not recline, nor was it a window seat so I couldn't lean against the side of the cabin. My eyes hurt to be open, but my body won't sleep. I'll try to sleep on the next leg of my flight - there certainly won't be anything worth staying up for. The movies are bad, the food is the worst I've had on an airplane, maybe ever, and the drink options are water, coke, OJ, or red or white wine. Alitalia, I expected a little more of you. Oh well. THey get me where I need to be, and that's what really matters. I'm running out of time so I'm signing off, but I'll update as soon as I get a chance in Ghana.

Here and now

This time next week I'll be in Ghana, volunteering at Buduburam Refugee Settlement, attempting reconciliation work among Liberian refugees, who despite repatriation by the UN have stayed put, not wanting to return to a country lacking infrastructure and still rather fragile.

Right now, Liberia for me is the subject of 30-page research papers. I try to understand the situation and with limited knowledge suggest solutions, like any Ivory Tower liberal, intellectualizing everything. Here I am, 21-years-old, a privileged student at an expensive and selective liberal arts college, privileged enough to spend a semester in Denmark and travel around Europe, privileged enough to spend a summer not working but "helping the less fortunate." But really, I'm going for me. It's like a pilgrimage really, only the destination is almost inconsequential, I think. I'm looking for change and inspiration, direction and passion, centering and meaning. The things people get from pilgrimages, I think. Hopefully I'll be able to make a difference to the Liberian refugees too, but the more I learn, the more overwhelmed I feel about the extent of the challenge and the more important I realize the work I'll be doing is. This is tragedy. And as an American, I feel a little guilty. Though if I went about studying it, I could probably find more things to feel guilty about than I could handle. So I've picked my poison, for now at least. For my sake, and our sake, and their sake. And we shall see what good may come, but at least I'm sticking to my philosophy:

There is no general doctrine which is not capable of eating out our morality if unchecked by the deep-seated habit of direct fellow-feeling with individual fellow-men.
~George Eliot, Middlemarch

And so I am off, to build connections, because when it comes down to it, that may be the only thing we really can do.

Now bring me that horizon.

21st Century Seder

I have been reduced to a voice coming from a computer. My view of my family is pixelated and passive. In a weird, creepy, scifi way, this is better than nothing. I have my own old haggadah, I help them with the pieces they might miss in their new versions which lack our family additions. I assist in the bargaining process over the affikomen. But no one knows how to interact with a disembodied voice, nor how to be one. I'd rather be Elijah than God but instead I'm lost in a land of technobabble. How do you know this is me? How do you know where I am? Without frame of reference, how do I know who and where I am?

Religion and the internet are strange bedfellows, both dealing with nebulous territory. It's a powerful partnership. There was a feature on TV today about religion online; almost every church I know podcasts at least some of their sermons. I don't quite understand or connect with online ministries like the Church of the Younger Fellowship. But I see, especially when you add a video component, how something is better than nothing. Still, presence is invaluable.

I have seen the future. And I hope we can maintain tradition while keeping presence. The view is not enough.

the next step

I have finally been compensated for the stress and mental breakdown that accompanied by fellowship applications: Carleton has officially awarded me $3500. I will be spending 6 weeks this summer at Budumburam Refugee Settlement in Ghana, working with Liberian refugees.

Another continent, another culture, another life-shaping experience, another perspective.
Yes, I'm nervous. But I'm excited—especially to do something more meaningful with my life.

Carleton has validated my dreams. I'm something special—I can successfully compete in a competitive marketplace and stand out among my qualified and intelligent peers. It seems I might actually have something to offer to the wider world.

In a few months, I'll be blogging again, this time with the view from Africa...